An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and
has thorns?”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you…to leave.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old
now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do
you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”
“Really! Like a new-born baby!?”
“Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

Husband - Hai Dear,I Am Logged In.
Wife - Would You Like To Have Some Snacks
Husband - Hard Disk Full.
Wife - Have You Brought The Saree.
Husband - Bad Command Or File Name.
Wife - But I Told You About It In Morning
Husband - Erroneous Syntax, Abort, Retry, Cancel.
Wife - Hae Bhagwan ! Forget It Where’s Your Salary.
Husband - File In Use, Read Only, Try After Some Time.
Wife - Atleast Give Me Your Credit Card, I Can Do Some Shopping.
Husband - Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
Wife - I Made A Mistake In Marrying You.
Husband - Data Type Mismatch.
Wife - You Are Useless.
Husband - By Default.
Wife - Who Was There With You In The Car This Morning ?
Husband - System Unstable Press Ctrl, Alt,Del To Reboot.
Wife - What Is My Value In Your Life?
Husband - Unknown Virus Detected.
Wife - Do You Love Me Or Your Computer?
Husband - Too Many Parameters.
Wife - I Will Go To My Dads House.
Husband - Program Performed Illegal Operation,It Will Close.
Wife - I Will Leave You For Ever.
Husband - Close All Programs & Log Out For Another User.
Wife - It Is Worthless Talking To You.
Husband - Shut Down The Computer.
Wife - I Am Going
Husband - Its Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer

WeddingQuery……. …….. (SQL Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus
=’ThreeStoreyed’
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES(’BMW’)
END
GO

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, “Daddy, you’re the boss, aren’t you?” Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued “That’s because Mummy put you in charge, right?”

“Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”
“But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!”
“Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”

What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you’re spooken to!

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!

What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mum and Dad!

How many ears did Davy Crocket have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!

My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

Do fathers always snore?
No - only when they are asleep!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I’m stuck!  

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,”
the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and
I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of
the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you
don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?”