Girls’ relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves.

It’s not just about boyfriends, we’re talking about guy friends that gals have.

Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn’t fit to wear Jeetendra’s white shoes? Here’s a ready reckoner for you:

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% just a friend %

Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, “Oh kevin, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??”

Kevin: “Where are you going Jenni??”

Jenni: “None of your business” and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph! ).
*******
% Good Friend %

You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.

Kevin calls: “Hi Jenni”,

Jenni: “Hi Kevin. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye”

(Jenni calls back after two days)

Jenni: “What do you want Kevin? Why did you call that day?”.

Kevin: “Generally”.

Jenni: “Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye.”

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.

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% Very good friend %

Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.

She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.

Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.

Jenni: “You know Kevin, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn’t sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn’t like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl”.

Kevin: “Who is Shekhar??”

Jenni : “My boyfriend.”

Kevin: Oh! Ok.

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% Best Friend %

You are like the auto rickshaw driver. She can’t live without you.

And don’t be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.

Kevin Shopping. Kevin Movie. Kevin Coffee. Kevin,you pay. I am having fun.

Kevin is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Jenni: “But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends

Kevin. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that.”

Kevin: What?? (Kevin drinks all night).

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% Best of the Best Friends %

Ok now you are really special.

You are dad-cum-boyfriend- cum-brother- cum-everything.

Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.

You take her around.

You make her project.

You do her assignments.

You are allowed to take her doggie around.

You can hold hands on the beach.

You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).

But but but… Don’t be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a flat in PoesGardenor Boat Club or Hiranandani area.

Jenni: “Hi Kevin. I am getting engaged to Shekhar. Shekhar this is Kevin, he is my bestest friend”.

Kevin: Hi Shekhar . (Hand shake. Shekhar breaks Kevin’s wrist).

Kevin is now heart broken and wrist broken.

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% Boyfriend %

Uh… No comments dude. You’re already Gone!

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Now - where you stand?

Forward it to as many boys you know.

Save a Boys Life.

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ……Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.

She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity — boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us.

I’m sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky……. …….

*******

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…. along with this note:
Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

Question : “What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?”

Answer: “tea please”

Question : ” Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?”

Answer : “Ceylon tea ”

Question : “How would you like it ? black or white ?”

Answer: “white”

Question: “Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?”

Answer: “With milk ”

Question: “Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk”

Answer: “With cow milk please.

Question: ” Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?”

Answer: ” Um, I’ll take it black. ”

Question: ” Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?”

Answer: “With sugar”

Question: ” Beet sugar or cane sugar ?”

Answer: “Cane sugar ”

Question:” White , brown or yellow sugar ?”

Answer: “Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.”

Question: “Mineral water or still water ? ”

Answer: “Mineral water”

Question: “Flavored or non-flavored ?”

Answer: “I’ll rather die of thirst

One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him” OK, what happened to your back?” The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you?” He replied, “You know I have been  unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu…..?” “Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor”
 

Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
A: you don’t bury survivors

Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?
A: ‘Each’ is a mans name!

Q: If there’s a frog, dead in the centre of a lilypad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to?
A: neither, the frog is dead!

Q: You’re a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
A: The same as yours, you’re the bus driver.

Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
A: The sea!

Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet…how come?
A: He was bald.

Q: David’s father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
A: David

Q: What has a mouth but doesn’t eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn’t sleep, and waves but has no hands?
A: a river.

Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
A: His horse was called Friday.

Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where’s the white house?
A: Washington DC

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “You betcha!”

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief replied, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you…you know…eat, their…’things’?”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Kerry.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.’ And the Irishman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fool again.