Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they”re on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus’ ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, ”I hate it when your dad plays!”

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?” The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!” The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;A tree o’er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

It seems there was this priest who just loved to play golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn’t preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer… and closer… a hole-in-one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. “Lord,” he says, “this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. Now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?”

God smiles, looks over at St. Peter, and says, “I’m punishing him.” St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, “Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?”

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what ?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great ! so NOW you tell me.” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were playing in their club’s annual “Husband and Wife” golf tournament. Mr. Smith wasn’t happy about it, apparently his wife isn’t very good but she insisted on playing. To appease her, he reluctantly agreed.

All through the front nine she piddle paddled her way up to the tee, took what seemed like hours to hit her shot (which usually went only a few feet), and took her time back to the cart (only to drive a few more feet just to do this over again).

On the 14th tee, his patience had reached it’s limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he shanked it a bit and drove the ball right square into the back of his wife’s head - killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came in to speak with the husband. “Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife’s brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.” “What is it?” asked Mr. Smith. “Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity.” The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

Being an avid golfer myself, like most I enjoy pushing my knowledge onto those who don’t really want to hear it. My friends like to call me a “fountain of knowledge”, so today’s your lucky day! There are a few things about golf you need to know, about etiquette and stuff.

1. Keep your back straight, knees bent and feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”