A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going too!!” he replied.

“Why?” She asked.

“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!

The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you… A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level. There’s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.” When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns. B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A. Listen politely, and then apologize. B. Blame someone else. C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.” When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you… A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do? A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you. C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you… A. Clean the office while he supervises. B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face. Scoring this test Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat. Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk. Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ”Can I help you?”

”Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name]

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second”So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking”

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “James,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is James Darling.” “Okay, James, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

ahhh…i see the f***-up fairy has visited us again…

i don’t know what your problem is, but i’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

i see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

i’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

it sounds like english, but i can’t understand a word you’re saying.

i can see your point, but i still think you’re full of s***.

i like you. you remind me of when i was young and stupid.

you are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

i have plenty of talent and vision. i just don’t give a damn.

i’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

thank you. we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

what am i? flypaper for freaks!?

yes, i am an agent of satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

and your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

do i look like a people person?

this isn’t an office. it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

if i throw a stick, will you leave?

i’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

can i trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

how do i set a laser printer to stun?

i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted a paycheck.

The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an
athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a
large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too
much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo,ICU.”

Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several
times, anywhere from $75 to $300. Each time this has happened, the payroll
department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error.

Last payday the situation reversed. Everyone with direct deposit was paid
twice. I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake
could be corrected. When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ear to
ear. I said, “Yes, I noticed the mistake. I will correct it in two weeks.”